How I’m learning to notice the little moments of connection hiding in plain sight when everyone is going in different directions

Every year, around this time, I start to feel a little ache for summer. Don’t get me wrong, I love the structure of school, and I get way more work done (like this blog post), but I miss all the extra time I have with my kids. I miss lingering around the table a little longer, having more family dinners, and those days when there was more margin and more opportunities to be together.

We’re about six weeks into the school year now, which means all the activities have officially come online. I look back when my kids were younger and think how naive I was when I said, “I will never pack our schedule full.” Well, I don’t know about you, but my kids reached a certain age, and if they want to participate in an activity, it’s a set schedule. I can’t tell the high school football coach that Solon is only coming on Tuesdays; you know what I mean. Plus, I have 4 kids so even though they each have their one thing, it’s A LOT at times.

With the kids going in lots of different directions and, especially as our kids get older, there can be a little grief that comes with realizing family life doesn’t look the way it used to. Gone are the days when we’d clean up after supper and play floor is lava or build a tower of pillows and film them in slow mo as they jumped into them.

I miss my kids.

Which sounds a little funny because they’re still here. They’re in the kitchen in the morning packing their lunches. They rush into the house after school. They’re next to me while I drive them somewhere. And there are plenty of dirty clothes and dishes, providing undeniable evidence that these people still live in my house.

But it feels different.

We’re in a new season, and just like when I get a new haircut, or that one time I dyed my brows, it takes a minute to get used to.

Maybe you’re not reading bedtime stories anymore (Quincy and I are reading Harry Potter together). Maybe, like us, everyone isn’t home for dinner every night. Maybe those slow Saturdays have been replaced by AAU games, practices, or teenagers who have to go to work or have social plans of their own.

There is some grief in that. But I’ve been reminding myself of two things:

Quantity is not the same thing as quality, and little drops into the bucket still fill it over time.

I say all the time that awareness is our superpower, and I think that’s especially true when we’re trying to figure out how to spend quality time with our families in busier seasons.

I don’t want to spend so much time grieving a season that was that I miss the goodness of the season we’re in. And I don’t want the picture in my head of what family connection is supposed to look like to make me miss the connection that’s right in front of me.

What I’ve realized is I don’t need to carve out three extra hours a week for intentional family time. My kids wouldn’t love that either. The moments may already be hiding in plain sight; I just have to notice them and give them the credit they are due.

Here are three ways I’m trying to notice and prioritize them in this season.

1. Protect a few intentional family rituals

Create a What Matters List

Start by deciding what matters to your family in this season.

Not what everybody else is doing. Not what Instagram tells you fall is supposed to look like.

You know I make a What Matters List every Christmas season, but I’ve started doing this for other seasons too, including summer and fall. I ask: What are a few things we want to make sure we do this season?

For us, fall includes going to the local pumpkin patch and picking out pumpkins. By the way, this is about an hour-long activity. It doesn’t need to take an entire Saturday.

We like going to the apple orchard. We carve pumpkins (minus Solon, whom we let off the hook because he gags), and the little 2 still like to pick out Halloween costumes and go trick-or-treating.

But your family anchors don’t need to be outings of big fal events. In fact, some of the best ones might be incredibly ordinary.

Protect a Moment Each Week

We’ve done Saturday sourdough pancakes for breakfast since Solon was a baby (maybe even since we got married?).

Scott and the little 2 make sourdough pancakes together while I sit on the stool and sip my coffee, taking it all in. The big 2 used to help, but now they sleep in until they are ready, and we gather around the table to eat together.

We also try to have a big lunch after church on Sundays.

Then I look at our schedule and see if there are a couple of nights during the week when I can plan dinner around everyone’s activities and get as many people around the table as possible. That might mean we eat dinner closer to 7 pm one night and 4:45 pm another night.

Gone are the days we eat dinner together every single night but I cherish the rituals of Saturday breakfast, Sunday lunch and a couple of dinners together.

They’re drops in the bucket.

If family dinners don’t work in your current season, don’t get so attached to the idea of family dinner that you miss another meal that does work. Maybe your thing is Saturday breakfast, Sunday lunch, Friday pizza or dessert together when everyone finally gets home.

And don’t underestimate repetition. As I always say, it doesn’t have to be fancy to feed your family or make a memory. In fact, the simpler it is, the easier it is to repeat and it doesn’t have to happen every single week to count. Consistency matters more than perfection.

Sometimes the smallest things, repeated often enough, become the things our kids remember.

Tiny tweak to try: Ask your family what matters to them this fall. Choose two or three things to put on the calendar, then look at what you’re already doing and ask whether it could become a simple intentional family rhythm you repeat.

2. Notice the family connection that’s already happening

This might be the biggest one for me because this is where awareness really becomes our superpower.

Instead of constantly asking, How can we find more family time? try asking:

Where is connection already available to us?

Because a lot of family connection is hiding in the transitions and ordinary moments of our days.

Think about:

• The drive to school, practice or rehearsal.
• Walking the dog.
• Making dinner while one of your kids hangs around the kitchen.
• Waiting in the car for another sibling.
• Cleaning up after dinner together.
• Running an errand with one child.
• Those few minutes around bedtime.
• The unexpected moment when one of your kids suddenly starts talking.

The car has become a big part of our life.I used to loathe the hours I spent driving around and even joked about how many miles I put on my vehicle until I realized how short this season is. I have one who drives himself around, and I wouldn’t give what I’d give to have those car chats more often. And how fruitful that time could be if I were intentional with it. I’m not reading before bed with my big kids anymore, but you know what I am doing: driving them around; those minutes are there.

Sometimes we assume we’ve lost something when it’s really just changed shape.

Pay attention to the ten-minute moments

The kitchen is another place where these moments often appear.

Someone sits at the counter while you’re making dinner. A kid comes home from practice, and you sit down with them while they warm up their food. Maybe you warm up some frozen cookie dough, and everyone comes for a “fresh” cookie.

It’s ten minutes. It doesn’t need to become an Official Family Tradition,with capital letters, to count. Take the pressure off.

And if you have older kids, pay attention when they wander into your space.

Sometimes they decide they desperately need to tell you something at 9:47 p.m., when you were very much planning to be done parenting for the day. But I’ve learned that often those moments when they flod down on our bed are even more special than anything i try to manufacture.

Pay attention. You’ll start to notice: Oh. Here’s one of those moments. Moments to connect hiding in plain sight.

Tiny tweak to try: For the next few days, don’t try to add more family time. Instead, pay attention to the transitions you already have and notice where conversation and connection naturally happen.

3. Keep creating little openings for connection

The last piece is simply to keep opening the door.

I’ve been thinking about this phrase:

Always invite, never require.

My grandma was the queen of gracious time together. She was thankful whether she got ten minutes with us or two days. She invited us, but she didn’t guilt us. I want to do that too and it’s as simple as saying…

“I’m going for a walk. Anybody want to come?”

“I’m running to Target. Does anyone want to ride along?”

“I’m watching a Hallmark movie if anybody wants to join me.”

Keep extending the invitation and be okay with a no.

We can also ask our kids what they want to do. So much of a kid’s life is dictated to them: where they need to be, when they need to leave, what they need to get done. Giving them some ownership over how you spend time together matters.

Make family connection easy to say yes to

A few simple family bonding ideas:

• Invite someone along on an ordinary errand.
• Create an analog menu of fun: cards, a puzzle, a walk, baking, shooting baskets, a fire pit, or a game.
• Find a show you both enjoy watching.
• Invite your kids into what you’re already doing instead of always creating a separate activity.
• Say yes when someone wants to linger and talk.
• Ask better questions when you have a few minutes together.
• Let connection happen in smaller combinations instead of waiting until the entire family is available.

That last one has been important for me.

It doesn’t have to be everybody.

The girls and I have been watching Dancing with the Stars. Lucille, Quincy, Scott and I have been watching America’s Got Talent. We’re horribly behind on both, but that’s the beauty of being able to record them.

Our whole family isn’t sitting together. But it counts.

You don’t have to wait until everyone is home to let something count as family connection.

Tiny tweak to try: Think about one way you can invite this week without requiring. Invite a child on an errand, ask if anyone wants to take a walk or put a puzzle on the table and see what happens.

You Probably Have More Family Time than You Think

If you’ve been feeling a little sad that summer is over, or that your family doesn’t spend as much time together as you used to, I feel that in my bones.

It’s ok to grieve that season and also find goodness in the season you’re in, even if it looks different. My dad always said, “It’s not good or bad; it’s just different.” Parents get smarter as you get older.

And don’t let the picture of what family connection is supposed to look like make you miss the connection that’s actually happening.

Awareness is our superpower. Moments of connection are already hiding in plain sight.

Notice them and capitalize on them when you can. Because little drops still fill the bucket.